This was one of my favorite pieces of music when I was a kid. My mom says that when I was about three I used to run around the house singing it. I have no memory of this, but I do remember that there was this delicious period of time in elementary school where I was old enough to be home alone in the afternoon after school. My older brother took longer coming home from the middle school than I did from elementary school and my parents got home an hour or so after that. This was my first taste of autonomy. The opportunity to be really weird without judgement. I think I probably spent a fair number of those days illicitly watching Saved by the Bell - which we were not allowed to do - but not all of them. Sometimes I'd get a piece of music stuck in my head at school and then run home, pull the curtains on the picture window, put on the tune at full blast and dance like no one was watching (because no one was). Prime candidates for this activity were Dvorak's New World Symphony, Gustav Holst's Planets, Cats the Musical, and Carmina Burana. During the soft bits I'd lie on my stomach with my faced pressed into the carpet and just breathe it in.
In any case, the first movement - the one you usually hear - isn't meant to convey terror at all. It's about the human condition and dispair. The lyrics are as follows (courtesy of Carnegie Hall):
| 1. O Fortuna (Chorus) |
O Fortune |
| O Fortuna, velut Luna statu variabilis, semper crescis aut decrescis; vita detestabilis nunc obdurat et tunc curat ludo mentis aciem, egestatem, potestatem dissolvit ut glaciem. |
O Fortune! Like the moon ever-changing, rising first then declining; hateful life treats us badly then with kindness making sport with our desires, causing power and poverty alike to melt like ice. |
| Sors immanis et inanis, rota tu volubilis, status malus, vana salus semper dissolubilis, obumbrata et velata michi quoque niteris; nunc per ludum dorsum nudum fero tui sceleris. |
Dread destiny and empty fate, an ever-turning wheel, who make adversity and fickle health alike turn to nothing, in the dark and secretly you work against me; how through your trickery my naked back is turned to you unarmed. |
| Sors salutis et virtutis michi nunc contraria. est affectus et defectus semper in angaria. Hac in hora sine mora corde pulsum tangite; quod per sortem sternit fortem, mecum omnes plangite! |
Good fortune and strength now are turned from me. Affection and defeat are always on duty. Come now, pluck the strings without delay; and since by fate the strong are overthrown weep ye all with me. |
This is just one movement of 25. The poems come from medieval literature and I didn't really take the time to read them until I was much older. They're wonderful and put the tone and style of Orff's adaptation into the appropriate context. He uses a lot of musical references to invoke chanting and the church but the poems are much more pagan than Christian and as a result have a wonderful earthy feel to them. It's all about love, lust, luck, misfortune and of course drinking. Lots of drinking.
But I come back to this concept of fortune or fate - however you want to think about it. "Like the moon ever changing, rising first then declining." In modern Christianity the equal sentiment is "God has a plan for you even if it's not your plan," which sounds MUCH more comforting than "much of what happens around you occurs at random and you will either prosper or suffer as a result." I do sit in that second camp but in either case it's clear that as circumstances change you must also change.
Which is a really long winded way of saying my life has changed in these past months and so I'm needing to set roller derby aside for a while. I've been very depressed and while I've gotten good help for that it's become clear that I need to ease up on the stress of my lifestyle for a bit to get back on track. I've also decided that while finance has been a good safe harbor for me for the past six years it's not really something I want to do forever. Any other career I'd like to pursue will take a fair amount of effort and training and there's no time like the present. My roller derby fortunes have waned considerably in the past year and I'd like some time now to do other things that I can participate in fully and enjoy. It was a difficult decision to make but the sense of relief I'm feeling now lets me know it's the right one. For now.
