Anticipation and.... Anticipation

"Are you so excited to be skating again?"

"Best.  Day.  Ever."

"You're going to be back on the track in no time!"

People keep saying these things to me this week and while I totally understand and appreciate the sentiment it's perhaps my friend Razor who has had a broken leg herself who expressed it best.

"I remember getting back on skates again that first time.  It's so emotional!  And like - fuck you universe!"

Yes.  Fuck.  You.  Universe.

This - of course - is hardly an expression of joy and while my friends have a more or less universal assumption of my happiness to return to the track I can't say that happiness is a part of my emotional palate at the moment.  It's is probably due in no small part to my somewhat contrarian nature but surprise, frustration, and no small amount of fear have been my emotional companions de jour.  Surprise, because I wasn't prepared to begin skating again so soon.  Frustration because I can in no way skate like I did before the accident and fear - well - isn't that obvious?

I have no doubt that this too will pass and don't consider this to be so much a cry of anguish as it is a recognition of the distance yet to be traveled as well as an acknowledgement that perhaps it's still a little too soon to be strapping on 8 wheels.  I had to remove my inserts because while the swelling in my foot has gotten a lot better, it's still too large to fit into the skate they way it used it.  My balance is good generally but of course the left ankle is still a bit loose.  The nerves on the inside of my left ankle still aren't working properly so I can't tell whether that area has some ligament related pain or just nerve damage related pain when I try to use the inside edge of my skate but I can tell you that it hurts to put pressure there. 

Much remains to be seen.  And yet this Sunday when no one was looking there was a time - just a few laps - when I could pretend that things were headed back to normal.  That I could still cross over like normal, flick my toe like normal and feel the wind in my hair once again.