Disappointment

When I was 12, the 30 or so kids in my class had a daily basketball ritual that took place during the lunch recess.  We played a game called lightning, which is more or less based on the ability to shoot free throws.  The top six kids in lightening were then 'chosen' to play three on three basketball while everyone else did something else.
I was fairly horrible at basketball, but I really wanted to play so I spent weeks doing nothing but shooting free throws in my spare time.  I measured the distance from the hoop in my driveway.  I sometimes walked to the school and practiced there.  I got pretty good at them and the day came when I was one of the kids chosen to play three on three.  The problem was that no one would tell me who my teammates were.  The kids who were supposed to have been my teammates ultimately decided they would rather play two on three than be burdened by me.  I didn't play lightning any more after that.
When I was 18 I auditioned for the music programs at three colleges.  My safety school (University of Washington) took me without delay.  My number two choice (University of Michigan) turned me down outright and my dream school (Indiana University) turned me down but very nicely mentioned in that rejection letter that I could attend school there anyway as a university division student.
It was still my dream so that's exactly what I did.  I studied very hard for a semester and took another audition right before the winter break.  I knew that I had improved quite a bit during those four months.  I had gotten positive responses from my teacher, a doctoral candidate, and also from lessons with the professors themselves.  I played with confidence in a booming auditorium that stood empty except for three very important sets of ears.
I sat down afterwards in that same auditorium with the department head.  He was a tall thin man in his 70's with glasses that made his eyes look comically large.  He had been the principal French hornist in Cincinnati for the bulk of his career.  He said I should try again, that none of the professors were willing to take me into their studios at that time.  I calmly thanked him, stood and walked out with a smile on my face as the world dropped out from under my feet.
This evening my coach let me know that he's not recommending me to be drafted onto a team at this time.  It's not exactly a surprise.  I know I have a lot of work to do.  Still, the excitement of the approaching date had elicited the thought in my mind that perhaps I really could be picked up by a team in spite of the fact that I'm the second least experienced skater on our training team.  So I'm giving myself the night to be sad.  But just tonight.
After having been told 'no' for the second time at Indiana University I took a long walk.  I tell people that I took an hour, but the truth is I'm not really sure how long it was.  I went home and listened to some sad music.  Then I started making some calls.  I called my old French horn teacher at home.  I called my dad.  Then I called my mom and she freaked out a little.  "Well what are you going to do Megan?"  And I told her the only thing that made any sense to me at the time, "I'm going to try again."
I was terrified.  I didn't know that the thing I wanted was the right thing.  There were plenty of schools that would have taken me and plenty of other careers I could have chosen to pursue.  But my 19 year old heart knew that I wasn't ready to walk away, so I didn't.  Five months later I took another audition.  Third time's a charm.

Whatever is worth trying and failing once is worth trying and failing as many times as is necessary so long as your goals remain the same. You need not fear failure for you will be no more or less yourself at the end of this journey than you were when you started. No matter the outcome, this too will shall pass and become but a thread in the fabric of your life. Play hard, laugh too loud and trust yourself. You will be OK.

<originally posted on 1.27.12.  Late at night.  When I was sad.  And had been kicked in the head that night>