JAM!

I have a secret.  They're few and far between (as this is about to become):  I really want to be a jammer, but I don't wholeheartedly believe that I can.  It's problematic because you can't have the former without the latter. 
Last night we spent half the night scrimmaging the league against the Bombers (our travel or 'A' team) and half the night as a black and white.  Scrimmaging with the league still freaks me out and it didn't help that the newly refinished floor was both ungodly sticky and smelled like a formaldehyde factory.  I'm not sure whether it was the fumes or the nerves but the closer I got the the start of the lineup the more I experienced palatable quivering. 
Play it cool Slater.  You're fine.  No one's watching you.
It was at about that time the pivotal question was asked, "who's jamming?" and one of the four other women set to go out with me raised her eyebrows at me.  "You want to jam?"  Suddenly eight eyes were curiously upon me.
"Um...  I want to jam, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea..."  and then the star was mine.  Against the Bombers.  No pressure.
The funny thing was that there really wasn't any pressure.  No one was upset that I didn't score any points or even make it through the pack.  For reasons that were unclear to me the jam was called off before I made it out of the pack on my first pass.  I can say with relative certainty that I would not have made it out of the pack in any case.  Upon returning to the lineup it was pointed out to me that making it through that particular wall of blockers would have been "pretty awesome."  Oh right.  All of those people have been skating for five years or more.
Round 2:  Blocking.  I have to admit that I'm sort of unclear on how to legally destroy a pack.  What I did notice is that when we went out we had four blockers and the Bombers only had two.  When you have the advantage you should force the jam to start right?  We had lined up in a four wall behind the two Bombers.  The jam started.  No one moved.  In accordance with my longstanding policy of "do first, think later" I decided this would be a good time to be that person who runs ahead of the pack and forces the jammer whistle to blow.  As I ran out I heard yelling from opposing team's captain.
 "YOU!  STOP!  GET BACK THERE."  I have long since learned that when Nikki yells during practice, you should just do it.  I got back there.  She instructed my very confused teammates to take a knee and then told me to run ahead.  The jammer whistles blew.  Evidently that is the way you legally destroy a pack when all the blockers are behind the pivot line. 
I was now in front of everyone and could see that our wall wasn't going to hold the jammer after all.  She was going to bust out on the inside line and I was the last line of defense.  I then had approximately THREE SECONDS OF GLORY where I managed to hold her back before she hit me and that was that.
Round 3:  Jamming.  Even though no points had been scored on my first jamming attempt, nor had I made it out of the pack, they let me jam again.  It was pretty much like round one except that I was slightly less terrified and remembered this time that the refs tell you important stuff when you're the jammer - like how many minor penalties you have.  I think they probably told me the first time too except that I was super focused and couldn't hear them.
Round 4:  Jamming.  By now we had split the league half and half with the Bombers mixed into the rest of us.  They let me jam again.  By now my anxiety had more or less subsided.  Apparently no one was going to fly into a rage if I sucked.  When the jam started I beat the opposing jammer off the start line, my wall let me through and them WHAM!  I was into the opposing teams wall.  That same god damned wall that's been holding me back for the past six weeks and just like I've been doing for the past six weeks I put my shoulder down and started running.  Except this time they broke up.  This time I made a hole for myself.  This time I heard a loud whistle and saw one long striped arm pointing directly at me.
OHMYGODIGOTLEADJAMMERIGOTLEADJAMMERIGOTLEADJAMMEROHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I immediately forgot how to skate.  The ensuing laps to catch the pack were messy at best.  I forgot to look ahead and assess the pack, I forgot to look behind and see if where the other jammer was.  I had to keep checking to see if that ref really was pointing at me.  I fell almost immediately upon reaching the pack, got back up and heard a chorus of "call it off!"  So I called it off.  0-0
I got to jam one more time.  I didn't get lead jammer but I did make it out of the pack and scored a point or two before forcing the other jammer to call it.  There were a couple rounds of blocking as well.  The thing I really appreciated about the night was just how nice everyone was.  Nikki didn't have to jump up from the opposing team's bench and start coaching us.  Another veteran player gave me her spot in the lineup for the last jam of the night.  She told me, "Why don't you play this one?  I play all the time."  When I made mistakes they were gently corrected and all I saw was smiles and encouragement all night.
My heart is so full of derby love right now.
<posted on 3.2.12>